Friday, April 18, 2014

How Sharpton got his Gig

Many people are wondering how a person like Al Sharpton was given the lead off to MSNBC's nightly programming, but it makes perfect sense when you hear the whole story.  Here is how it was told to me by someone in the know:

Several Years ago Al Sharpton's limousine was on teh way back from a Union rally in Western Maryland when the engine started having trouble. The limousine was forced to pull off on to the back streets to find a garage.

Not long after getting off the main road the drive was hopelessly lost and, eventually, the limousine was forced to stop as smoke began to billow from the engine.

The driver instructed Sharpton to stay put as he went to look for help. Sharpton sat in his car playing Candy Crush his way. He would just sit staring at the array of brightly colored candies on his screen trying to see if he could come up with racist patterns. "Why are their so many blues and so few yellows? Why is chocolate an obstacle!" he would bellow and the begin meticulously destroying whichever candy was in the majority. He could do this for hours.

But not long after he had begun to uncover a conspiracy in the green candies he heard something from the nearby woods. He peered into the growing fog but could see nothing, writing it off to probably Some poor homeless man, not really worth his time.

But soon he heard the sound again, this time it was maybe two or three somethings in the fog... maybe its some ecologists fighting the global warming. Good for them, but not really worth his time.

A third time he heard the noise, now it sounded like crowds of people. Maybe, he thought, there was a rally going on. With this thought he exited the limousine excitedly and carefully, alertly began to walk into the woods in search of his audience.

The deeper in the woods he traveled the more people he began to hear and the more excited he got, but it was not long before Sharpton had decided that he wasn't hearing a friendly crowd... he thought now that he might have been approaching a tea bagger rally. Unfortunately he was now too deep in the woods to be able to see the car through the fog, no matter where he turned all he could see was fog. With this realization Sharpton panicked and began running in a direction, any direction, in order to escape his imagined foe.

He quickly ran out of energy and had to stop, gasping for breath, no clearer on where he was then he had been befo.. he stopped. Gazing straight ahead of him he could make out the faintest light in the inky blackness. With that his adrenaline kicked in and he began running again. As he ran the light in the distance came in to focus. It appeared to be a small shack. With his last energy Sharpton stumbled to the shack and collapsed at the threshold and passed out.

When he came to he found himself sitting in a chair in the shack, across from him was what appeared to be an old woman . Sharpton found himself at a loss for what to say because the old woman's face and exposed skin were of indeterminate race.. could be white, oriental... jew or light skin black. He couldn't be sure.

"Welcome Al Sharpton" the lady rasped "I'm so glad you found me"

"Who are you? Black?" was all he could think to say

"My race is unimportant. What I have to offer you, is very important."

He had to ponder this. Race unimportant? Obviously this is a crazy lad. Probably conservative. He proceeded with caution.

"You are a white, tea bagger, Israel-loving papist... why should I trust you?" he said, measuring his words diplomatically.

"Al, let me be honest, I'm a witch. I have been trapped in this hovel for centuries. The fog outside this door was put there by powers greater than mine to keep me here. Your stumbling run into my home has been a great boon to me. I simply wish to reward you."

"You're not Tea bagger?" he asked, intrigued

"A what?"

"... What do you think of Israel?"

"I think Roman rule has been good for them."

"The Pope?"

"Not a fan"

"What color are you?"

"I can't even remember, my mind and body have long since been consumed in black magic"

"Oh, Black Magic? I like the sound of that!" he said excitedly

"Oh good, glad to hear it" the witch hissed through a gravely smile "So.. your reward. For giving me a human trail that I can now track out of this accursed wood I will grant you one wish. But only one."

Sharpton pondered his choice. His lifelong goal was to be in front of people, to get in their face, to root out racism everywhere it was and wasn't. He was tired of the whistle stop tours, though. He wanted to mass communicate!

"I want a TV show" he said

The Witch paused, smiling. "I will give you this.."

"But wait, I'm not done with my wish! I want this show to be on a news Network, I want creative control. Because But resist, we much… we must… and we will much… about… that… be committed..."

"Huh?" the Witch asked, puzzled.

"GIVE ME MY GODDAM SHOW WITCH!" Sharpton clarified

"Ah yes. Al Sharpton, you shall have your show...."


"You will have a prime time slot..."

"Awe give it!"


"... well... I guess that is OK"

"Then with that, Al Sharpton, I must bid you adieu." the witch said as Sharpton's eyes began to blur "When you wake up you will be back in your limo, just as your driver arrives with a tow truck. Good luck to you.... anchor man! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Days later Al was contacted by MSNBC and the rest is history.

Oh, and the witch also cursed Al so he is slowly turning into a bobble head.